THE RORTON BUGLE
CHOICE CUTS OF MEATY NEWS
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06.02.12
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06.10.10
TORIES TO MAKE ‘VITAL CUTS’ TO NUMBER OF LIB DEMS.
“Telling Nick Clegg to piss off and stop interfering may be painful but economically necessary,” says Cameron.
Birmingham – The Conservative Party has outlined plans to drastically cut the ‘wasteful’ numbers of Liberal Democrats in government as part of its prudent austerity measures. This represents a victory for the 99% of Bugle readers who answered ‘YES’ to our question: ‘Are the Lib Dems secretly the same old bunch of tree- hugging, muesli-chomping, sandal-wearing pinkoes they always were?’
Chancellor George Osborne said: “If we are cutting so much, we have to lead by example and that sometimes means the cuts have to be from the top of government. We have to step back, look squarely in the mirror and ask ourselves: ‘Do we really need this extra layer of government that is the Liberal Democrats - apart from when it comes to outvoting Labour on crucial issues?’ Then I guess we can afford to taxi them into Westminster for a fraction of the cost of keeping them on full time.”
“Vince Cable’s knocking on a bit and soon he’ll want a salary-related pension. Can the taxpayers of this country afford that? Should a war veteran who has lost the use of both legs (and possibly his penis) get a penny less in his pension so Vince can have a golden carriage clock? Much as I like the old bastard, I think not.”
Boris Johnson's hair 'ringfenced' and safe from cuts.
Boris Johnson today declared that he was as "pleased and relieved as Pontius Pilate after a good slash" as his hair was spared the chop in the government's austerity measures.
It was thought his chaotic thatch, costing taxpayers millions of pounds in anti-dandruff treatment, would be likely to get the chop, but after an impassioned and articulate letter quoting Heraclites to George Osborne, his supporters triumphed and an iconic national and London-based institution was rightly preserved.
27.05.10
Brian Blessed finally agrees to get help for his shouting problem.
Theatreland: Renowned West End actor Brian 'shouty shouty' Blessed has admitted that his shouting has got out of hand after trashing a £50,000 Drury Lane set with a particularly sonorous performance of Hamlet before throwing a television out of his dressing room window.
This follows an incident on Mount Everest when Blessed, in awe of the spectacular view, boomingly proclaimed that he was in the seventh heaven of all that was bloody holy and mightily fucking mighty, causing an avalanche that wiped out a nearby Japanese expedition party.
Beardy Blessed, who now admits he was 'in denial' about his shouting for several years, having jokingly played it as an idiosyncracy to comic effect, is now filled with contrition. "Why didn't I see the problem earlier?" he bellowed disconsolately, "Why, WHY, Buggery blast and bastardisation,WHY? Let all the furious fucking fires of Hades wreak havoc upon my wretched soul!" Doctors, counsellors and structural engineers are believed to be ready to help him rebuild his life.
04.04.10
Lloyd Webber continues search for brand new tragic, drug addicted gay icon.
London: The race to become the new Dorothy is about to be whittled down again as the eleven contenders await their fate on the BBCs ‘Over the Rainbow’. However, next week, Lord Lloyd Webber is expected to put them through their paces in literally acting out the life of Judy Garland as a vital part of the casting process.
“Dorothy just wouldn’t be Dorothy if the actress playing her didn’t have a lifetime plagued by existential pathos. What I want is an innocent young girl who can magically exude that natural insecurity about her own self-image, thereby developing a legendary addiction to huge doses of barbiturates. Some of the production team are already standing the 'Dorothies' in good stead by making derogatory innuendoes about their appearance and weight.”
“I have the long term future of this icon at heart,” he continued. “With any luck, the successful candidate can see herself in thirty years time, slurring her way through her standards in front of bemused public and critics who will shake their heads and say ‘Where did it all go wrong?’”
Charlotte Church, who was narrowly chosen to judge the contest over Amy Winehouse, concurred. “I’ll be taking the would-be Judys for a few drinks at the Admiral Duncan to put them through their paces at collapsing in sobbing drunken heaps at the end of Old Compton Street.”
The results are expected to be judged by a mixture of passing gay couples and a phone vote by the Great British public. “Whoever wins this round,” says Charlotte, “could eventually become symbolic of the struggle to get gay marriages recognised in Iran.”
Sam Cam foetus slams glam ham bleaters!
Labour despair over Cameron baby.
It was catastrophic enough for this squirming Labour government that opposition leader David Cameron’s wife Samantha was pregnant.
But now the six-months-due embryo has delivered a further body blow to Gordon Brown’s neo-Marxist rabble - from beyond the womb!
Displaying amazing precociousness in an ultrasound scan exclusively witnessed by Bugle journalists, the Cameron baby delivered an indictment of Labour’s cheap celebrity electioneering.
Signals translated by Expert Consultant Dr. Rupert Smithers Hogg indicate that ‘the baby is healthy but feels a great deal of disquiet about ‘the champagne socialism of Labour-supporting ‘Islingtonistas’ – actors and performers whose remote sense of idealism betrays scant knowledge of how the real world operates for ordinary hard working middle class taxpayers.’
“With such political savvy at a prenatal age, I reckon this child will be at Eton by seven, Oxford by twelve and firmly in this country’s driving seat by eighteen!” beamed Dr. Smithers Hogg.
08.02.10
U.S. Radio station can't believe English death metal singer isn't white.
Colorado USA: Denver Doom FM radio DJs cannot believe that Nigel Smith, a black heavy metal singer from London, isn't a spotty disaffected white middle class youth.
"When I heard that great voice," DJ Norris Niles admitted, "I just expected an acne-ridden white bloke, disenfranchised with the material aspirations of his parents, to come through the door of our radio station."
'I mean surely, to be in a band called 'Butchers of Beheadedness' and singing classic lines like 'Whoooarrrggghhh!!! I'm gonna drink the blood from a nun's skull' you'd just imagine that he'd suffered these words, lived the life of a white middle class prosperous youth - completely disappointed with the bland, respectable life that his parents had planned for him.'
'I could barely contain my amazement when this black guy from the Hackney 'hood came through the door to do a live session. I mean, y'know, could any black guy have experienced... and BLED that tragic kind of Middle England life and cut it as a white death metal singer?'
26.01.10
Scuffling breaks out as much-needed Madonna finally arrives on scene of Haiti earthquake.
Port au Prince: A desperate stampede occurred when Madonna arrived in Haiti’s earthquake-stricken capital yesterday as thousands of local children forgot their hunger, weakness and urgent need for sanitation and medication in an attempt to be adopted by the queen of pop.
Survival of the Fittest
As those whose dwindling health was still sufficient enough to leave the weakest and most needy trampled in their wake, there was anger among many that the help was arriving too little, too late.
“Why did she take so long? Why is there only one of her?” Sebastien Henry, a co-ordinator for the relief effort protested. “What this country needed the moment this quake ravaged it was hundreds of Madonnas. Unfortunately for us volunteers and the crippled, disease-infected orphans, there just aren’t enough Madonnas to go round.”
Chuck Sales, a US spokesman gravely confessed: “Though we can raise great amounts of money and organise a huge military operation to distribute emergency relief, we can only, realistically, send one Madonna’s worth of aid.”
Sarah Miles, an Oxfam worker from Birmingham, UK called for new priorities to be drawn up concerning the fundraising effort. “What we need on the ground is for Madonna to be cloned multiple times. Once the kids are alright and learning tantric yoga we can work on helping the adults help themselves and build a new community.”
Professor Stephen Willis of the Royal London Hospital said “Cloning Madonna is possible but we’re not talking about minor surgery on some pop wannabee who can wear cones on her tits and do a good cover of ‘Like a Virgin’ at her local’s karaoke night. That won’t feed a starving child.”
‘We need the public to dig deep in their pockets and provide vital research and equipment with which we can clone the real, compassionate soul of Madonna for the benefit of mankind.’
So what are you waiting for? Join the Bugle now and help clone Madonna! Remember, it’s the world you’re saving, not just Haiti.
BUGLE CHARIDEE: CLONE MADONNA FOR HAITI: 0800 000 000
Or better still ;-
Next week: How Simon Cowell pulled miracle baby from rubble after 14 days.
Climber Bonington to take on North Face of Ronnie Wood
Veteran British climber Sir Chris Bonington is mounting an attempt to scale the face of Ronnie Wood taking the route via Vodka Crag and Guinness Clough, a journey attempted but failed by many experienced climbers. He is also daring to start off his mission from Sambucca Falls, a place where several whitewater rapid canoeists, disappeared, presumed dead, down the cave known as ‘Ronnie’s Gullet.’ Bonington is hoping to take advantage of the good weather caused by Woods’ avowed abstinence from alcohol. “You’ve got to strike when the conditions are right, but it’s still a risk," Chris said, “if Woods copped off with another Russian barmaid we could be snowed up in deep trouble again.”
A warning about the perils facing Bonington
This is his most ambitious expedition since his ascent of Arsene Wenger’s face in which he tragically lost two men. The incident occurred when Wenger broke into one of his notoriously difficult-to-navigate looks of contemplative concern.
“The face of Wenger is enigmatic and has wooed explorers since time immemorial, but sudden changes in his expression can lead to the loss of good friends,” rued Bonington. Three American climbers are still missing after Wenger’s face contorted into a look of restrained anguish as Stoke City scored their third goal putting Arsenal out of the FA Cup. “I still hold out hope for them,” Bonington said, “If it had gone to a second leg at The Emirates Stadium, things could have been even worse.”
10.01.10
NORTHERN IRELAND NEWS: DUP ANNOUNCES DECOMMISSIONING OF HYPOCRITICAL PIETY AFTER IRIS ROBINSON REVELATIONS
Sanctimonious religious posturing to be put ‘beyond use’ by 2011
Belfast: Following the embarrassing resignation of homophobe MP, MLA and councillor Iris Robinson after it was revealed she’d had an extra-marital affair with someone 30 years her junior then abused her position in obtaining £50,000 to help said toyboy set up a café business, the DUP has declared a ceasefire in its campaign of fire-and-brimstone moralising.
In a statement, they declared: “The diatribe-driven war against gays, wife swappers, rubberists, sadomasochists, watersports enthusiasts and other people of alternative sexuality is over. A British Ulster can only be achieved by recognising, albeit with discomfort, that London, at the very seat of our monarchy, is also the location of several thriving gay bars where men in leather harnesses and nipple tassles openly cavort and oil up each others’ rippling muscular bodies.”
Robinson was thought responsible for the ‘Homosexuals-should-get-psychiatric-treatment-to-help-them-mend-their-ways’ Atrocity of 2008 which left several thousand gays rather cross, some severely. Gay rights campaigner Peter Tatchell agreed to feel a little bit sorry for her - because she suffered depression and because the time for peace and reconciliation had come - as part of the ‘Hypocritical Piety Disarmament Agreement’ brokered with the DUP.
Whilst many commended the move, coupled with Robinson’s withdrawal from political life, some have been more sceptical about the DUP’s public dissociation from paramilitary homophobic language. “How can we be sure that they have disposed of all their hypocrisy? They might have a secret cache of it somewhere in the countryside,” Dudley Ferguson, a Sinn Fein gay rights activist said.
24.12.09
THE RORTON BUGLE WISHES ALL ITS READERS A TOLERABLE CHRISTMAS
As gratitude to all our readers in the last year, we would like to wish you a relatively bearable and not-too-crushingly-disappointing Christmas. We hope you experience the festive joy of your car not skidding on ice and crashing into a National Express coach bound for Huddersfield on the M1 whilst you commute between your bitterly estranged parents, nor your painstakingly prepared turkey giving you listeria resulting in you being hospitalised and off work until well into the new year.
At this time of painfully internalised indifference, when our thoughts turn to our loved ones and whether we managed to spend an equal amount of money on each of them or at least an amount proportionate to how much we actually like them, we must think of those in starving countries who receive little but charitable handouts - and envy them because when they receive a simple bowl of porridge and say “Porridge! That’s just what I always wanted” they are not resorting to thickly disguised irony.
So, in this season of obligatory tactfulness and empty, rewardless indulgence, we again wish you all a speedy, unobstructive Christmas and a credit-card-overdraft-free New Year.
04.10.09
Tentative economic recovery: City workers cautiously start to laugh down at the East End poor from their skyscrapers again.
City of London: In a ritual not seen for well over a year, a small group of City workers gathered on the 34th floor of the Swiss Re Tower (aka The Gherkin) and sniggered into their sleeves at the grey poverty-ridden tower blocks tailing out into the East End below them. In Tower 42 nearby a similar and equally reticent event took place.
"It's like, perhaps it didn't happen after all," said one in hushed tones, "no recession, no bankers to blame, perhaps it was all down to the politics of envy coming from those labour councils down there."
"Let's face it," said another, buoyed by the icebreaking statement of her colleague above, "Brown had to blame someone else for the fact that he let so many foreign pikeys in here causing an economic downturn, so he blamed us. Well, now we've been vindicated... well, perhaps, I mean... probably."
"Those politicians are no better," piped in another, "charging us to clear out their ponds. Anyway, we didn't work for the bad banks, did we?... Well, I got out of the RSB when I saw what was going on, and besides, the pay's better here."
09.09.09
Emile Heskey to play football for England for all eternity.
Despite choruses of discontent from many fans, it seems that Emile Heskey will play football for England for all foreseeable perpetuity.
"Milner, Lennon, Johnson and Defoe are outstanding" said Fabio Capello, the England boss, but Emile Heskey, well, he's just good at knocking the ball on so he's good for England. Remember Graham Taylor saying 'can we not knock it?' Well, with Heskey we can knock it, and that's not to be knocked as you English would say. Ha ha!"
"I mean," Capello continued, "what would England be without Heskey? English fans would have nothing to moan about in pubs. He is quintessential to the England team. Maybe when he gets to about 60 he will have lost a bit of pace but then of course he will bring greater experience and leadership to the squad."
On hearing that Gareth MacGuire, an English seventeen year old was displaying the brilliance of a young Pele, regularly leaving professional defenders trailing hopelessly in his wake, Capello said, "I'm the England manager. I sometimes have to choose tried and tested players over youth - and that means picking Heskey. That's what being the England manager is all about"
Kevin Watkins of Durham wondering when he won’t feel like a bandwagon jumper when he plays his Michael Jackson records again.
Kevin: “I was there first… or was I just one of many willing sheep?”
Durham, England: Kevin Watkins, a 37 year old mature philosophy student and nostalgic Michael Jackson fan is racked with insecurity about playing his comprehensive collection of Michael Jackson and Jackson Five records after the star’s sudden death.
“When I play ‘Man in the Mirror’ I really do have to look at the man in the mirror, delve deep into my personal psyche and think ‘Am I playing this because I personally enjoy it or am I pandering to the posthumous tribute hysteria in Michael’s name? Am I a true fan or just a follower by mass sentimentality, both a tool and instigator in the Godlike celebrity status bestowed on Jacko? Was I an unwitting conspirator in his fate?’ I feel so self-conscious just listening to him.”
“Perhaps time will heal. Maybe next month when the dust has settled on his untimely death I won’t feel so bad about it all,” he concluded before pondering over whether to stick ‘Bad’ on his stereo then deciding against it and whacking on Radiohead's 'The Bends' instead.
26.06.09
Breaking News: Elvis Presley is dead!
18.05.09
"He made us do it!" - MPs call for Speaker to resign
Speaker Michael Martin: “His system allowed us to turn into greedy bastards,” say MPs
London: The House of Commons speaker Michael Martin today bore the brunt of the blame for the MPs expenses scandal as various members of the house harangued him with cries of: “How could you let us do such a thing?”
“If only I hadn’t been led by him,” said suspended Labour MP David Chaytor, “I’d never have claimed nearly thirteen grand for an already-paid loan. Surely the Speaker should have led by example by saying this was despicable and immoral behaviour but I feel horrified that I believed it was alright as long as he said it was within the rules.”
“I’m furious,” said Conservative MP Douglas Hogg. “When I was filling in my expenses claim form there was a little angel on one of my shoulders saying that ‘surely you shouldn’t claim for the cleaning of a moat!’ but on the other shoulder was Michael Martin saying ‘Go on. Let it go. If it’s OK by the system you’ll get away with it. I feel betrayed that I’ve been so bludgeoned into avarice by this man.’”
Incandescent with rage, Lib Dem MP Sir Menzies Campbell demanded explanations as to why the system defended by the Speaker allowed him to get away with claiming for redecorating his flat. “If it had been against the rules I would have felt ethical repugnance about doing such a thing,” he said, “Shame on you, Speaker, for so insidiously corrupting my ways.”
“I’m really sorry. I feel such a complete dork.” Michael Martin was heard to say.
MPs gutted to find rival who claimed expenses for genital wart cream NOT in tabloid headlines.
Westminster, London: An intrepid Bugle infiltrator has uncovered conversations that took place between several shamed MPs - a week before the disclosure of all parliamentary claims. Geoff Riddleton, an independent who narrowly won the seat of Botchester South at the expense of the three main parties apparently claimed £30 expenses for the genital wart cream and other ‘venereal palliatives’ such as ointment for CRABS!
“It makes me sick to think what he’s been up to, but when it comes to light it will be bloody hilarious,” Communities Secretary Hazel Blears laughed after a few sherries in the Commons bar. “They might moan about our expenses for a couple of days but they’re for vital things like food and housing. This story will really take the cake in the red tops. Can’t start to think of the puns they’ll make up for the headlines. How about 'He's GONORRHOEA-ly regret this!' Boom Boom!”
“I’m pissing myself laughing already,” said Liberal Democrat MP Richard Younger Ross in an e-mail. “Don’t know if I’ll be able to keep a straight face in the Commons when all this expenses thing comes out in the open.
Tory MP Andrew MacKay, now resigned, concurred. “This will see the end of all these independent twats playing the good guy. Heh, heh! Now we’ll see who’s sleazy.”
We asked Mr Riddleton’s constituents what they thought of his conduct.
Julie Henson, 28, a local hairdresser said:
“He’s done a good job for Botchester so I don’t care what lives in his underpants and what he does when he drops them. It’s between him and his wife and God… that’s if there is a God. I mean we could go into greater details about religion and morality if you were having highlights done on our super special offer, only at Henson’s Hair. Can you mention that in The Bugle? Also, we do…”
Doris Barlow, 82, said:
“I think it’s a good way to spend public money – ensuring that when I visit his surgery, my MP will be focussing on my concerns about crime, health and pensions rather than fidgeting around on his chair scratching his bollocks.”
Hazel Blears, when approached by one of our reporters, thanked us for being the only paper to EXCLUSIVELY report Mr. Riddletons’s embarrassing condition and stated that she wished more journalists would concentrate on the real issues.
08.05.09
UEFA: DIDIER DROGBA ‘IN DEEP SHIT’ OVER ELOQUENT RANT AT CHAMPIONS LEAGUE REFEREE
Drogba: “I am most displeased with this referee’s inconsistent and thoroughly egregious performance.”
London: Chelsea striker Didier Drogba is facing disciplinary action after highly articulate comments he made concerning referee Tom Henning Ovrebo after Barcelona ended Chelsea’s bid to play in the Champion’s League Final.
With team mates and UEFA officials trying to restrain him, Drogba unleashed a tirade of well-spoken abuse towards the match official, then turned to the cameras and ranted:
“I find myself consumed with disquiet at innumerable decisions, particularly those concerning penalties, which have been made impetuously and thus betray both the referee’s pusillanimity and inability to exercise sound judgement in determining the outcome of a sporting encounter of such calibre. His incoherent and patently partisan display has manifested itself as the nadir of substandard officialdom.”
Hundreds of calls of complaint were received by Sky Sports by parents who complained that their children had been watching when Drogba came out with his verbal diatribe. “What sort of example is that c*** Drogba setting?” one demanded to know before cancelling his subscription, despite Sky saying they had no control over what was broadcast live at the heat of the moment.
Later Drogba apologised in a statement saying “I’m so fucking sorry for what I said, really fucking sorry.”
But this might not be enough. “The shit could hit the fan over this one,” Michel Platini was heard to comment.
J.G. Ballard’s 7 year old grand-daughter may have inherited his writing style.
Little Emily Ballard, aged seven, seems to have been influenced by the writing style of her legendary grandfather, J.G. Ballard, who died last month, aged 78. “It’s uncanny,” one her primary school teachers said, “the way she juxtaposes the fascination for mechanistic death with homogenous mass culture and sexual imagery is highly reminiscent of her recently deceased relative’s tomes.
The teacher quotes a paragraph from a piece entitled ‘What my bedroom looks like’:
'Two gonks form a testicular alliance in proportion to the phallic Thomas the Tank Engine rail crash on the floor; a Barbie doll, presumably having jumped from the chest of drawers, copulating her last with the twisted wreckage. Plastic representations of fame and glamour lie doomed, scattered across the floor, their faces still smiling inanely as if aware of their media-driven immortality. Meanwhile a Bratz doll sits expectantly, the mangled venation of leads from a pink karaoke machine promising her a Madonna themed colonoscopy to the tune of ‘Twinkle, twinkle, little star’. The Bratz doll knows her entrails will be internationally scrutinised by Youtube voyeurs and the musical accompaniment will prove fitting. On the wallpaper, anthropomorphic giraffes and elephants form a verisimilitude of all humanity, observing and shaping the horrors below them like a master race planning World War Three, awaiting their turn...'
“Her style of writing is certainly advanced, if rather disturbing for a seven year old,” the teacher concluded. Young Miss Ballard has currently received a nomination for the Nobel Literature Prize and a gold star for good effort.
02.04.09
G20 wives agree on $1,000,000,000 shoe-buying spree to kick-start world economy.
Some of the G20 wives who will be buying shoes to save the world
London: A package of measures drawn up by US First Lady Michelle Obama has been agreed by the G20 wives in the hope of saving the world economy. Each wife has agreed to buy at least 100 pairs of ridiculously expensive shoes which they will probably never wear in a bid to inject cash into the High Street retailers’ coffers, thus providing many more jobs for sales assistants and pretentious fashion designers.
This has been coupled with a desperate desire by UK PM’s wife Sarah Brown to upstage Mrs. Obama in the dress-wearing stakes the next time round, which should lead to a designer dress wearing competition by all leaders’ wives. The wardrobe stockpiling involved for various occasions should have a domino effect on the spending habits of ordinary women who read OK magazine and occasionally have ‘fat’ days after attending several formal lunches in a 24 hour period.
The agreement was initially in jeopardy after French president Nicholas Sarkozy's wife Carla Bruni phoned in to complain that Jimmy Choo shoes pinched her toes and were a typically Anglo-American fetish. She was joined in her protest by Joachim Sauer, the husband of German Chancellor Angela Merkel who said through a translator: “I only bloody buy new shoes when the old ones wear out! Women, eh?”
However, a “mutually acceptable compromise” was eventually reached and lunch was later taken at the Ooze Risotteria in the Westfield Shopping Centre with an entourage of 100 porters carrying the leaders’ wives shopping bags for them.
LUKE SKYWALKER TURNS TO THE TURQUOISE SIDE OF THE FORCE!
‘Forever will it dominate his destiny in fashion and home furnishing’ says ghost of Yoda
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away: Jedi Knight Luke Skywalker has been lured to the turquoise side of the force, much to the dismay of his Ready-Brek-eating teachers Obi wan Kenobi and Yoda. Despite pleas from the elder Jedis to opt for more a more pastelly side of the force such as tangerine or lilac, Skywalker is believed to have been seduced by the sinister character Darth Dulux to the turquoise side.‘Long a danger the turquoise side has been,’ Yoda lamented, ‘Let his 70’s kitsch feelings take over him, Skywalker has. Much danger there is that he may even turn to the purple glittery side.’
Obi wan shared Yoda’s concerns. ‘I just felt a great disturbance in the force as if millions of people started wearing flared trousers all at once – and then suddenly started dancing to ‘Staying Alive’ by the Bee Gees.’
23.02.09
Met Office issues severe chavviness warning for Uxbridge!
Hillingdon Civic Centre could well sustain damage from chavs wanting social housing.
‘Don’t go to JJB Sports, Argos or the ‘urban’ section of HMV unless you really have to.’ - John Kettley.
Uxbridge, Middlesex must brace itself for a severe outbreak of chavviness, weather forecasters warn. Experts warn that a front of bored kids from West Drayton colliding with an Uxbridge High Street off-licence selling cheap white cider will create the ideal conditions for what meteorologists call a ‘Major Chavviness Event.’
Hillingdon Council claims it is prepared for the conditions, as do local Police Community Support Officers.
“We are well used to dealing with these conditions,” said a Hillingdon Council spokesman. “However, things are becoming more difficult as we no longer have a Woolworth’s where the chavs’ behaviour can be observed and controlled. However, it is expected that the storm should pass once Big Brother is constantly shown and repeated on 24 hour television."
14th February 2009
RECESSION LATEST
Sarah Kazinski, seriously fit undergrad, announces facebook cull. Fifty friends to go.
In the latest sign that the world recession is deepening, Sarah Kazinski, a bubbly and bright brunette studying for a Master's in Physics at Oxbridge University has announced that fifty of her 600+ facebook friends are to be laid off and deleted from her profile.
“It’s a regrettable decision,” she said, “but in these tough economic times, I simply can’t afford to spend my time looking at pictures of Samantha Beckton’s trip to Bognor Regis with her dog, Sparky - or that bloke Kevin Rampton going on about how much he likes my feet. He’s weird.”
The move signals tough times ahead as it is feared there will be a knock-on effect due to the culled facebook friends culling other friends to assuage their bruised egoes.
Tim Harraway, studying political history, has withdrawn his friendship of Kazinski in protest and called for her existing friends to express solidarity with those ditched by boycotting her ‘Rocky Horror Show Night Out’ photo album and posting demands for the reinstatement of ‘The Sarah 50’ on her wall. Aggressive picketing of her profile page has already started in earnest and friends sending her kind messages and hugs have been labelled ‘scabs'. To date, 37 eggs, 16 steel girders and 8 pig's heads have been virtually thrown at her.
Mervyn King, Head of The Bank of England refused to comment on the gloomy socio-economic news, though it was thought that he might be sulking because Walter Stoddy, an old school chum had struck him off his facebook friend list.
5th February 2009
BUGLE CAMPAIGN: WHY CAN’T WE USE BRITISH SNOW TO BRING BRITISH INDUSTRY TO ITS KNEES?Poll: Do you think we import too much snow from the EU and Russia?
Yes: 0800 000 001 Calls cost 1p a minute
No: 0800 000 002 Calls cost £1 a minute
S’NOW JOKE EXCLUSIVE: WE’RE SO FURIOUS AT THIS GOVERNMENT WE’RE TAKING THE DAY OFF TO BUILD SNOWMEN!
This illegal immigrant beggar snowman grins smugly, oblivious to the gloom of Brown’s socialist winter.
THIS NEWSROOM, TODAY!: Our outraged journalists staged a walkout after writing this article against the uselessness of the government before going home to have a snowball fight with their children. On hearing from the Met Office that much of the snow falling on Britain had been imported from Siberia, there was a sense of indignation in our offices that the paralysing disruption to transport had not been caused by BRITISH snow. ‘We’re perfectly capable of creating our own snow-related transport chaos, school closures and recessions,’ said Ed Masters, our political editor. ‘Why do we have to let the Americans, Russians and French cause havoc to us Brits when we should be relying on Gordon Brown to heap misery on the nation. He’s selling us down the frozen river again.’
In this paragraph, journalists vented their ANGER against Brown’s incompetence and vampirical bloodsucking tendencies, calling his bloody Labour government a bunch of useless retards rewarding the work-shy and punishing those who have to work so relentlessly to slag them off.
In this third paragraph, our journalists unleashed invective and hatred–fuelled bile against Peter Mandelson, the like of which has never been seen before. Forecasters predict that we will write more nasty things about this slimy pus-ridden reptile before the end of the week and that we will also form an alliance between Middle England and the working classes for as long as the plebeian pikeys hate Mandelson as much as we do. Then again, we might just copy and paste this same report with a few alterations and suitably emotive words before going home early again.
McDOUGALL’S TO INTRODUCE ‘INDIFFERENCE BURGERS’, ‘IRONY-SIZE-ME’ DEALS AND ‘ARBITRARY SALAD MEALS’ TO UK FRANCHISES.
Burger chain McDougall’s is launching a new range of meals especially aimed at UK customers, unenthusiastic about being dragged into provincial, chav-ridden burger bars by their children.
“The Indifference Burger is perfect for parents who are lured into the restaurant by their children who want happy meals. For a parent who must feign a forced sense of enjoyment and artificial hunger it’s ideal.” Ronnie McAlastair, a UK spokesman for the chain said.
He also said of the Slightly Large Mac and Arbitrary Salad combo “The idea that a pathetic sprinkling of leaves can counteract the health effects of a 3/8 pound cheeseburger will make a great talking point – and that makes us more than a restaurant but a place for conversation. The cheeseburger is also available as a 5/8 pounder thus generating further nutrition-oriented ambivalence amongst customers and hopefully raising a wry, resigned smile on a stressful Saturday afternoon.”
Adult customers will be entertained by Roland McDougall, a monotone clown dryly dissecting the news items of the day. A US version may be piloted in states such as New York with the 'Catalyst-for-Collective-Carbohydrate-Guilt-Empathy Meal Deal' expected to become popular amongst groups of young professionals.
I'M THE DADDY!
PM lays down law in brutal Downing Street boilerhouse meeting with Peter Mandelson.
Who's the Daddy? Brown tells Mandelson and gives him what for.
EXCLUSIVE! An anonymous Downing Street insider today leaked information to the Rorton Bugle as to the reinstatement of Peter Mandelson in the Labour government’s cabinet.
On hearing that Mandelson might be interested in playing a major governmental role in domestic business policy, PM Gordon Brown summoned him to a boilerhouse, just off Whitehall in a meeting eerily reminiscent of the controversial film 'Scum'.
A video of the meeting revealed the conversation that took place:
Gordon Brown: Where’s yer dispatch box?
Peter Mandelson: What fucking dispatch box?
Gordon Brown: THIS fucking dispatch box!
At this point Brown strikes Mandelson with a dispatch box believed to be loaded with vital foreign policy documents and snooker balls. Mandelson falls to the floor.
Peter Mandelson: Aarrgghh!
Gordon Brown: Do you want some more?
Peter Mandelson: Leave it out, Gordon!
Gordon Brown: Now I’m going to outline my long term strategy securing the future economic prosperity of Britain once… just ONCE! You listening to me, Blairite!
Peter Mandelson: Yeah!
Brown strikes Mandelson again.
Gordon Brown: You run Business, Enterprise and Regulatory Reform… but for ME, I give the orders. You’ll get your perks, maybe a Jaguar and a vital say in international development issues, but I’m the Daddy! RIGHT! (strikes Mandelson again)
Peter Mandelson: Yeaarrgghh!
Gordon Brown: Now you get some Wet Ones rubbed on those marks, you Blairite Sassenach bastard!
After this, Brown went back to shovelling coal and running the country, while a cleaned up Mandelson emerged saying the meeting had been very constructive.
Ordinary middle class taxpayers pay to give daleks ramp access to public buildings – and EXTERMINATION is how they re-pay us!
Laughing in the Face of the Law - A drunken Dalek last night
Huddersfield, last night – a group of daleks, drunk on cheap supermarket beer and shouting ‘Exterminate!’ went on the rampage through an ordinary hardworking suburb of Huddersfield.
In a worrying expression of dalek fundamentalism that seems to appeal to young, disillusioned and unemployed daleks, many were heard to threaten ordinary hardworking residents of Huddersfield with the words ‘We are the superior beings. You will obey the daleks or be exterminated.’
Apparently the daleks were provoked by graffiti on a wall which simply said: ‘Fuck off back to Skaro.’
Community leaders in the area are concerned that dalek values and the values of ordinary hardworking, civilised British citizens are becoming diametrically opposed.
‘We need to deal with the issues that make daleks feel alienated and somewhat stigmatised in British society,’ said an unnamed source.
And witnesses to the attacks expressed their disgust:
‘We are becoming the oppressed minority on our own planet! They claim to be disabled but I’ve seen the last series of Dr Who and now they can fly. Why are decent, hard-working, Rorton-Bugle-reading middle class taxpayers funding these whingeing louts? It’s the same thing again: the victim culture as an excuse to go exterminating people; it makes me sick,’ said Rod Harris, of Huddersfield Residents’ Association.
The Government responded to the news on a concerned but conciliatory note.
‘I still believe that decent law-abiding daleks can bring a healthy dose of cultural richness and diversity into British society. It’s just a shame that a small minority of daleks spoil it for everyone else,’ said Tessa Jowell MP, former minister of culture.
11.09.08
Intelligent English Footballer Shocker!
Theo Walcott – Never mind the FTSE! This footie star is adding extra zeroes to shares in Happiness!
Zagreb – England and Arsenal winger Theo Walcott is waxing lyrical on his outstanding display which crushed the Croats last night.
‘When the Governor Fabio gave me a chance to be in the starting eleven, I took a long hard look at things,’ he told our reporter with a wistful grin. ‘I thought that back in Britain, the domestic economy seems to be heading towards a prolonged period of recession and the weather is bleak to put it lightly. I’d better get out there and score some goals.’
‘When a poor clearance set me up for my first goal, the mistake by Croatian defender Pranjic seemed symbolic of all the people whose financial misjudgement leaves them heading towards negative equity and even the prospect of re-possession of their homes. I knew it was imperative to hit the back of the net, knowing that at least these people would have some joy in their lives if England got through to the World Cup finals.’
Concerning his second goal, Walcott said, ‘It was weighing heavily on my mind that tomorrow was the seventh anniversary of the 9/11 attacks which led to our political leaders conspiring with Bush in the Iraq war, inexorably causing the July 7th attacks in London. Sure enough, that was incentive for me to score again and give the nation a chance to rejoice in these otherwise baleful times.’
‘When I went for my third, I was wondering whether to toe-poke the ball or just give it some welly past the helpless goalkeeper whilst considering the particle experiment going on in Geneva. What if a black hole had been created that wiped out all human existence as we know it? It would be nice to think that England’s footballers had gone out on a winning streak.’
Wayne Rooney, who also scored last night added; ‘the lad Theo played brilliant.’
At the FA, an enquiry is being held into why England performed so well. 'Where did it all go right?' an insider was heard to say.
EXCLUSIVE!!!
YOU ARE OFFICIALLY MISERABLE DISMAL FORECAST FOR YOUR PERSONAL MISERY PROJECTED
Your house, this morning: You woke up this morning feeling completely miserable and pissed off and experts today predict worse could be yet to come. In fact, some projections reckon your personal misery could have increased by the time you’ve finished reading this article.
Thanks to the dire economic outlook, draconian taxation, infringement of civil liberties and wretched weather caused by this Labour government, it had been expected for quite a while that you would be feeling miserable, but the speed at which your mood would take a downturn has astonished experts in the City.
Latest statistics show that your confidence in relationships and work/social related self-esteem have plummeted to their biggest low since your partner dumped you by e-mail and you were made redundant on the same day back in 1997. A picture of YOU, earlier today
Many analysts believe that your melancholic state could reach an all time nadir in a matter of weeks, causing panic amongst shareholders in any company you buy from – apart from breweries and distillers.
Though many say that by casting a mien of gloom and doom, you are just talking yourself into a depression, there is an unspoken resignation amongst your friends, family, peers and dealers that it is no longer worth investing time in you if you’re going to continually sulk. Many big players are pulling out of parties, lunches and potential sexual relationships with you, preferring to wait and weather the storm until your mood picks up.
Shares in London, New York, Frankfurt and Hong Kong have all fallen sharply due to you feeling pissed off with life. The guilt you feel from this realisation is expected to dampen worldwide confidence further.
07.07.08
BRITON LAURA ROBSON WINS WIMBLEDON GIRLS’ TITLE.
London SW19: Following her victory in the Wimbledon Girls’ Tennis Championship on Saturday, it is expected that Laura Robson, 14, will have a glittering career in TV sports commentary.
Said Fred Evans of the TeeVee Vox agency: “As long as she follows the British tradition by emulating greats such as Sue Barker and Annabel Croft and failing to fulfil her youthful on-court potenial at senior level, television companies will be falling over themselves to employ her as a commentator, pundit or even presenter! The British tennis-watching public will be her oyster.”
And Laura has no lack of confidence about the prospect of this. When asked how she felt about the possibility of being in the same studio or commentary box as John McEnroe, she laughed “I’ll commentate him under the table!”
Some sections of the media, however, were not so optimistic. The News of the World and Mail on Sunday newspapers reported a huge collective groan on Court Number One as Laura won the title. Said a Mail reporter: “It’s as if everyone knew that inevitably, Laura will find the hype and adulation too much. She might win the senior title once and then her career will decline under the weight of insupportable expectation. I really fear for the poor girl and see her in re-hab by the time she’s in her twenties. Just look at what happened to Amy Winehouse.”
Our sports and health expert Dr. T. Oldman disagrees. “I think Laura’s a smashing talent!” he enthuses, “we need more promising young wenches like her gracing our tennis courts and bursting forth like apple blossom in Spring. If only she was two years older and I was fifty years younger I’d happily coach her!”
In other news it has been revealed that, along with the retractable roof, Centre Court will next year boast a GRUNTOMETER alongside the serve speedometer to measure the audibility of the player's exertions in what the All England Club hail 'an exciting new development that reflects the competitiveness of tennis in the twenty first century'. The loudest grunt recorded by the BBC this year was by Maria Sharapova at 98 decibels.
14 YEAR OLD BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT WINNER:
Britain’s Got Talent winner, 14 year old street dancer George Sampson says it was the prospect of shaking Prince Charles’ hand which got him through the gruelling contest despite stiff competition from other highly talented individuals. ‘Never mind the fact that a hundred grand would pay off Mum’s debts and allow me opportunities I had barely thought possible, never mind the adulation for sheer hard work and determination that has been bestowed upon me – I’m going to meet Prince Charles and hopefully Camilla Parker Bowles as well!’
George admits to excitedly practising his repartee with the heir the throne. He gave us a sneak preview with his mother playing the role of Charles:
Prince Charles: So you do this sort of thing round ‘the ‘hood’, do you?
George: Yes, your highness, keeps me out of mischief, 'innit! (laughs)
Prince Charles: I am most impressed. One is always encouraged to see the youth of today doing something constructive rather than going around mugging people for their next fix on crack cocaine. Mind, you can hardly blame them given the ghastly concrete carbuncles they’re forced to live in. You’re a fine example to the youth of an otherwise lawless and rudderless Britain.
George: Well thankyou, your highness. Honoured to meet you.
Prince Charles: Nice to meet you too. Oh God, do I have to speak to that frightful man, Jonathon Ross now? Camilla dear, can’t you do him?
When asked about how he’d perfected his ‘Singing in the Rain’ routine he said: “I wanted something innovative – from the streets but reaching out to a wider audience proving that there is hope for underprivileged kids with talent beyond drugs, knives and guns and gangs where the prospect of an early impoverished death seems all but inevitable, but most of all I hoped Prince Charles would like it.
Finalists and fellow dancers Nemisis concurred. ‘We wanted a routine that would give us maximum cutting edge street cred down da Milton Keynes end,’ but most of all we wanted to do something that would go down well at the Royal Variety Performance. 100K would buy us all some safe bling and maybe even a decent car for us to drive to gigs, but it’s insignificant compared to meeting Prince Charles.’
‘We’re gutted that this major boost to our street cred didn’t happen but at least it’s not as bad as for that choirboy Andrew Johnston (who came third). Maybe he’ll get a consolation prize like meeting one of the outer royals like the Duchess of Kent. He could cry on her shoulder like that tennis player did. That will shut up all the kids who bullied him at school for singing in a choir.’
Only operatic prodigy Faryl Smith failed to mention being gobsmacked about meeting Prince Charles, preferring to say she would be honoured to perform on the same stage as her idol Katherine Jenkins - much to the dismay of ITV bosses.
04.05.08
LIVINGSTONE ADMITS "I JUST WASN'T HATSTAND ENOUGH TO WIN LONDON BACK"
Ken - 'not enough clowning around'
London - Former Mayor Ken Livingstone has cited his failure to be a bumbling buffoon in his defeat at the local elections to Boris Johnson. "I should have known it," he said, "to control the infrastructure of one of the world's greatest cities and financial centres you have to be several unions short of a tube strike in the old mental department."
Philosophically he paid tribute to his victorious rival but with a regretful mien that often bordered on tearfulness. Refusing to blame his defeat on the country's dissatisfaction with the economic and social policies of the Labour government under the uninspirational leadership of Gordon Brown, Ken instead said: "maybe if I'd gone to work on a unicycle with a red nose and a silly hat on, or perhaps just grown my hair into an Afro or something, voters would have been more attracted to my policies on transport, crime, housing regeneration, parks and public amenities in general."
Mr. Livingstone is now thinking of leaving politics for good to pursue a career in the circus.
NEW TO THE RORTON BUGLE – PAGE THREE EXISTENTIALIST PHILOSOPHERS!
Stacey (MA,Cambridge University), 24, from Southend-on-Sea
And with a pair of post-existentialist thoughts like that, all you philosophical fellas will find yourself in a state of ambivalence concerning the Sartrean statement that ‘hell is other people.’
We say big busted, big brained women like Stacey prove the antithesis: Heaven is other people – particularly if they’re as fit as she is!
Angry Baggage in protest over Terminal Five Fiasco!
Some of the furious baggage demanding explanations. Pic courtesy www.bbc.co.uk
15.04.08 Heathrow Airport, London: Lost and mis-handled baggage has mounted a mass protest against the incompetence of BA staff.
"I haven't seen my owner for three days, now. Apparently she's somewhere in Peru and I'm still stuck here waiting. It really concerns me as I'm harbouring a diary with intimate details of her bizarre sexual activities" complained a large holdall containing the personal effects of one Miss Laura Jenkins. "I'm never flying BA again."
"What about me?" added a furious Samsonite suitcase. Alright, I'm owned by a bloke called Mohammed but I assure you it's only a bottle of citrus flavour Oasis inside me along with his clothes - really nice tasting stuff actually if he ever got the chance to drink it. Anyway, you spend millions building this fancy terminal and the whole thing is totally crap! May God rot your souls!"
BA and BAA staff admitted their errors today. In resigning from their positions directors Gareth Kirkwood and David Noyes said "The whole thing's just been a spectacular tits-up from start to finish. Guess we'll get some stick from it down the local, but that's life, eh? We sincerely apologise to any luggage we have offended. Guess we've got to carry the baggage of this for the rest of our lives - that's if it ever gets off the bloody conveyor belt."
MIRACLE of Five Year old Boy saving Daddy’s life by calling 999 and postulating detailed assessment of immediate medical condition.
“My teachers told me that if an accident happened to my Mummy or Daddy, then I should call 999 and give a holistic diagnosis, and if possible, prognosis of the emergency situation,” he told Bugle reporters yesterday. “Thanks to the brave actions of this young lad, his father is now recovering well in hospital,” said Mary Primrose, Danny’s proud teacher who taught him the valuable life-saving lessons of ringing an ambulance and formulating a prognostic medical contingency plan.
The transcript of the phone call is available ONLY here in the Bugle:
999 operator: Emergency ambulance. What is the problem?
Danny Williams, aged five: My Daddy’s fallen down the stairs!
999 operator: Is he conscious?
Danny Williams, aged five: Just about, but I fear he may have suffered cerebral haemhorraging and possible visceral lacerations.
999 operator: Is he able to talk?
Danny Williams, aged only five: Just about, but he seems confused and incoherent in his speech.
999 operator: Did your Daddy have a lot to drink tonight? Maybe beer or whisky or something like that?
Danny Williams, aged merely five: He has a history of chronic addiction to intoxicating liquor, though it may be difficult to gauge his specific intake of units tonight and to what extent it may have impaired his mental faculties. Basically, my Daddy’s just fallen down the stairs and what other factors have come into it, it’s too early to speculate.
999 operator: Is your Mummy around?
Danny Williams, merely five years old: No, due to the dysfunctional and fractious nature of her relationship with my Daddy, Mummy is currently co-habiting with another female.
999 operator: Ok, Danny. Stay calm now. What’s your address?
Danny Williams, aged just five: 37 Nellgrove Crescent. Luckily just outside of that chavvy housing estate where all the thicko kids hang out.
999 operator: OK, there’s an ambulance on its way to help your Daddy. Anything else we should know?
Danny Williams, aged just five: Well, my Daddy’s got history of portal hypertension. There is a possibility that the violent nature of this fall could aggravate oesophageal varices or any possible gastro-intestinal abnormalities related to his lifestyle.
999 operator: OK, Danny. The ambulance is on its way. Don’t worry, your Daddy will be safe in the paramedics’ hands.
Danny Williams, aged just five: Just don’t go putting him in the psychiatric ward along with those with severe psychotic and neuro-depressive issues, will you? As far as I’m concerned my Daddy has no history of manic or suicidal ideation and therefore such treatment would be deemed, in my opinion, inappropriate.
999 operator: No, we’ll look after your Daddy for you.
Today, Danny was awarded with a special Childhood Bravery and Courage award by Olympic Gold Medalist Hurdler turned BBC sports presenter, Sally Gunnell. “It’s so great to know that someone so young can have the presence of mind not only to save a life by calling an ambulance but also establishing an extensive diagnosis of the problem in hand,” she said. “I for one think it should be paramount for all under fives to learn diagnostic and prognostic medical analysis as a life-saving part of the national curriculum.”
16.03.08
QUEEN OFFICIALLY OPENS NEW TERRORIST TARGET
‘This is truly a challenging terrorist target for the Twenty First Century’ she says.
Friday 14th March 2008: The Queen today opened the new Terminal Five building at Heathrow airport which has been hailed as putting Britain firmly on the terrorist target map. ‘The heightened security will attract a more discerning breed of terrorist. Not that frightful lot who bodged it on the 21st July 2005 ,’ she mused.
Prince Philip added his opinion: ‘Finger printing and photographing technology will mean bugger all if someone detonates themselves or fires a rocket launcher from the M25. Let’s face it, at nearly 400 metres long, it’s a big enough target – they can hardly miss the bloody thing, can they?’
05.03.08
BINGEING SOLAR SYSTEM!
Thanks to Labour’s 24 hour drinking laws, boozy asteroids smash into planets, destroying all life forms and sense of community.
A conference of internationally renowned astronomers today slammed the Labour government’s policy on alcohol licensing for creating the phenomenon of ‘feral asteroids’ terrorising our solar system.
‘These drunken asteroids have lost all respect for gravitational force and mathematically extrapolated laws of science and post Einsteinian physics. They must be pissed, but most of all, they must be stopped!’ said David Darcy, Professor Emeritus of the Al-Fayed Institute of Astronomy. ‘Personally I think the blame lies somewhere between an anamoly in the space time continuum inexplicable to even Stephen Hawking, and the lunatic policies of 10 Downing Street.’
It is now thought that a giant asteroid is joy-riding on a collision course with EARTH, causing concern to Julie Watkins of Chingford, North East London.
Julie and her kids – at the mercy of the equivalent of 300 gigatonnes of drunken thuggery
‘My family could be at risk in the case of an apocalyptic asteroid impact,’ she told our sister paper, The Daily Obsessed, ‘I just wish those pen-pushing Brownites would get out of their ivory towers and witness the all-too-literal asteroid impact this could have on ordinary people’s lives. We need tougher licensing laws and more bobbies on the beat to stop this happening.’
NEXT WEEK: how tornadoes, earthquakes and random octopus attacks have increased under LABOUR.
NICHOLAS WITCHELL TURNING INTO A TURKEY
Friends and colleagues rallying round BBC News presenter
‘We fear the worst may happen’ say doctors
It is thought that Witchell may have picked up the ‘turkefication’ virus whilst reporting on a grouse shoot with Prince Philip last year. Whatever, the signs are ominous as can be seen from our exclusive pictures.
Rallying round
“I’m devastated,” said fellow newscaster Huw Edwards; “gutted” added Kate Silverton as fans laid get well and goodwill messages to Nicholas outside the Quarantine Hospital where he is being treated. One poignant message from seven year old wellwisher Stacy Latimer read (sic): ‘I luv u on the nues Nick. Pleese don’t tern into a turkey.’
Doctor Philip Galway, in charge of Nicholas’ treatment said “I think the important thing is that we save him by Christmas 2008. That will at least buy him an extra year. With modern science methods there are numerous cases in which we have managed to save people from becoming turkeys completely and they have gone on to live fulfilling, human lives.”
Gordon Brown led parliamentary tributes to ‘this national ginger newsreading institution’ despite the fact that the period of his LABOUR government has seen a 40% increase in people turning into turkeys.
03.02.08
AMY WINEHOUSE'S HAIR 'DOING WELL' IN RE-HAB
The hair of Amy Winehouse is thought to be making steady progress in recovery after just over a week in re-hab, doctors and hairdressers said today.
“We’ve managed to get it through the intitial stages of de-perox” said Dr Siegdal Sassoon, Miss Winehouse’s personal treatment leader and a really wacky, life asserting character, speaking of the latest blonde dyeing binge, “but there may still be some tricky stages ahead since the hair has had such a long and graphic history of substance abuse. It may suffer withdrawal symptoms from copious amounts of hairspray and go through stages of denial and possible relapse if left unsupervised. These are indeed delicate times for the psychological state of her barnet and Amy will need to have sustained counselling as well as image makeover guidance from specialists to the stars to discover the deep rooted causes of her problem. Deep rooted – geddit! Ha ha! Always good to maintain a sense of humour when you’re working with such damaged people.”
“In future, Amy will have to change the hairdressers she chooses to hang out with, which could mean a great upheaval in her lifestyle,” he added, “her real friends will be those who keep her out of contact with hair products that could lead her back down the path to follicular devastation, no matter how much she begs them to nip down to Superdrug for just a couple of cans of Sunsilk or Grunge Gunge. Also, there is always the danger that when left alone, she could resort to T.T.T. - Trashy Trichological Treachery as we Doctors call it. See, as well as being very clever bods medically, we can also be alliterative.”
“And she should stop taking those drugs as well. They are just sooo… not doing her hair any good.”
HOODIE OBI WAN KENOBI TERRORISES BLUEWATER SHOPPING CENTRE AGAIN
Dangerous weapon found on member of notorious ‘Jedi Knight’ posse.
Weapon of hate: Thug Kenobi wields his light sabre shamelessly.
Gravesend, Kent: Notorious hooded gang member Obi wan Kenobi has been causing further trouble at the Bluewater Shopping Centre with groups of other Jedi Knights.
“Once again it seems that a territorial conflict with another gang called ‘The Dark Lords of the Sith Hood’ has been greatly detrimental to the shopping experience of many of our customers,” said centre manager, Ron Hislop.
“It’s exacerbated by the fact that they dress up in clothes that make CCTV identification difficult. For instance, ‘Darth Vader kid’ of the ‘Dark Lords of the Hood’ gang dresses completely in black with a mask covering his face. With him being a rather tall lad, this is most intimidating, especially to those with children for whom Bluewater should provide a comfortable and enjoyable day out. Only yesterday a group of Vader kid’s friends tore through the feminine hygiene section of Boots with clear disregard to the health and safety of other customers, brandishing replica guns that made silly pinging noises and generally causing an atmosphere of panic.”
What angers shoppers and retailers most is that Kenobi, 75, has been arrested before but was released without charge after a bizarre court hearing. “He’s a mouthy little sod,” said an unnamed local woman whose son was hospitalised with wrist injuries as a result of Kenobi's 'handiwork' following an argument with another gang member, Luke Skywalker, in a queue for a McDonald's Cola. “One of these days someone’s going to get killed and he walks away, laughing at the law,” she added.
“It’s very hard to pin an offence on him when he knows his rights and plays the system” lamented Sergeant Victor Stud of the local police constabulary. As evidence he produced a manuscript of Kenobi’s last appearance at a magistrate’s court.
Magistrate: Please confirm your name and address. You are Obi wan Kenobi of 9 Thuggery Terrace, Gravesend?
Kenobi: You don’t need to know my name and address.
Magistrate: I don’t need to know your name and address. Whatever, we have evidence that a person fitting your description stole a pair of Nike Air Turbo Blaster trainers from Foot Locker last Wednesday and that you were later apprehended in possession of said trainers.
Kenobi: They’re not the trainers you’re looking for.
Magistrate: They’re not the trainers we’re looking for.
Kenobi: I can go on about my business.
Magistrate: You can go on about your business.
Kenobi: Case closed. Move along.
Magistrate: Case closed. Move along.
A statement from Foot Locker spokesman William ‘Jabba’ Greenville declared: “we’re very disappointed and frustrated with the system round here. We feel that justice can never be done when so-called law enforcers are weakminded fools who fall for Jedi mind tricks."
14.12.07
RORTON BUGLE EXCLUSIVE! Drunken loser in street who asks for ten pence for a cup of tea actually buys cup of tea!
We’ve all heard it before: ‘Can you spare us ten pence for a cuppa?’ But Bert Siddleton a homeless alcoholic from Uxbridge, Middlesex, has made history by spending donations from philanthropic strangers on cups of tea rather than super strength lager.
Kathy Small, one of many people who donated money to Bert, declared “I almost feel betrayed. The guy was shaking, filthy, stinking, unkempt and unshaven. I thought I knew he had to have his ‘hit’ but then off he goes into Debenham’s cafe for some health-fad fancy gin-seng and a bagel or whatever.”
Eliza Roberts, community support police officer in the area, warns: “Beware giving money to this man. He might only waste it on an over-priced cup of tea. There are plenty of pissheads round here who might be more needy of the the ‘ten pence for a cuppa.’"
Fabio Capello named as new England Football Manager prompting the question: When will he get the sack?
FA Headquarters, Soho Square, London: It was announced that Italian Fabio Capello will become head coach of the England team today. Despite massive success with club sides such as AC Milan, Real Madrid and Juventus, he now faces the prospect of following in the footsteps of Graham Taylor, Glenn Hoddle, Kevin Keegan and Steve McClaren in stewarding a team of perennial losers.
FA Chairman Brian Barwick concurred. “Continuing our strong tradition, we herald what is likely to be yet another false dawn for English football and look forward to the frustration amongst fans and acerbic tabloid puns. Hey, I’ve thought of one already. If England play a particularly mediocre game they could call him ‘Drabio Crapello’ or something like that. Hmm, I’m quite proud of that one. On the other hand, he might get us to the World Cup where we can inevitably lose on a penalty shoot-out.”
On the matter of his core coaching team being fellow Italians, it was said Capello would welcome English input into the structure. “Some of those players’ boots need a good clean after a rough game or we could get Girls Aloud to sing and gee them up at half time. At least pop music's one thing you're still good at.” he laughed through an interpreter.
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November 2007
Poetry Society to host Festival of Poetry by White, Middle Class, Heterosexual Males.
A typical white, middle class, heterosexual male poet
As part of its Season of Socio-Ethnic Diversity, The Poetry Society has decided to dedicate a week-long festival to white, middle class, heterosexual male poets.
“We feel that white, middle, class, heterosexual, male poets have been under-represented recently,” said Laura Reinhart, a spokesperson for the Society. “As we feel it is our duty to promote the rich and vibrant multi-culturalism of British life then we should actively embrace the exciting culture that white, middle class, heterosexual males can bring to us.”
One of the poets appearing will be John Harris, his poetry resonant with profound frustration at the experience of being a white, middle class, heterosexual male:
Sunday (extract)
‘I hose her car in crude belief -
Her promised sex, a mere roast beef.’
Also appearing is Tony Burton, whose style is even more acerbic:
‘I’m middle class. So what?
I read the Mail. So what?
I mow my lawn. So what?
I’ve got two cars. So what?
I work in law. So what?
My wife works too. So what?
I like fine wine. So what?
Look in my eyes. So what?
I’m middle class! That’s what!’
Ms Reinhardt stated she hoped the festival would encourage more white, middle class heterosexual male poets to feel freer when expressing feelings about their race, gender, status and sexuality.
Successful Writer admits he failed to become an alcoholic
Arnold Turpin, writer of the hugely popular ‘Kings of Dystopia’ trilogy, today admitted that he’d failed to become an alcoholic, thereby failing to generate literary mystique as a tortured artist who was only recognised after he died a sad, premature death.
“I messed up big time,” he says, “When I wrote those books I was drinking quite heavily, feeling that I was going through a cathartic experience as each sodden, woe-filled word materialised on my PC. I would hang out round the pubs looking sullen in front of everyone as I laboured over the next chapter and telling them that no publisher would take an interest in my work… that it was just an excruciating and necessary-but-futile labour of love. ”
But then something went wrong. One night in ‘The Rose and Thorn’ Arnold bumped into Gordon Winsley, a talent scout for Squid books. Gordon, seeing the evolving manuscript, realised he’d spotted talent and immediately alerted his publication and PR representatives.
“It all happened so quickly,” laments Arnold. “Within a month my book was being praised on ‘Richard and Judy’. That was the real bugger – and soon everyone was buying it. I tried to maintain the façade of a tragic existence but to no avail. Soon, everyone wanted to buy my book. I became so busy with book signings and public appearances etc. I forgot that I was supposed to be a failure and my drinking lapsed. Now I guess I’m lumbered with the tag of someone who was successful in his lifetime, not someone immortalised by his doomed romantic hubris.”
In conclusion, he added “to think if I only I could’ve got to like the taste of neat vodka more, I could’ve assumed the dark mien of a Dylan Thomas, an Ernest Hemingway or an F. Scott Fitzgerald. Now I’ll just be remembered as another J.K. bloody Rowling.”
Bugle Exclusive 25/09/07:
Don’t mention the early Election! Gordon Brown’s post-concussion speech censored! "He mentioned it once but we think he got away with it" says Labour party aide.
Brown: Election? What fucking election!"
It has been revealed to the Rorton Bugle that a vital part of Gordon Brown’s first speech to the Labour Party Conference, penned by the PM himself, was abandoned on official advice as it had been written after Mr. Brown was accidentally hit over the head with a fire extinguisher by a Spanish waiter at the hotel where the party were staying.
A nosey sod we sneaked in found the censored section of the manuscript:
Ladies and Gentlemen, I am proud of what we have achieved for Britain, it fills me with pride, my heart swells with pride as do other parts of my body and after dreaming we can make it better still, I wake up first thing in the morning with a huge election… Sorry! I meant erection. Freudian slip there. Let’s have no more talk about early elections.
We should be proud of the rich and multicultural society we’ve created. I’m sick of those who moan about immigration laws and this country being flooded by Eastern Europeans. I mean, they work hard - and let us ask ourselves “why go to a cowboy English builder when you can vote with your feet and go to the Poles.” That’s going to the Poles as in Polish people who make good plumbers and builders… nothing to do with going to the polls as in voting in an election… did I say election? Oh well, that’s got nothing to do with it so we’ll have no more of that.
To improve the educational chances for children, however privileged or underprivileged, we will create a fairer system to influence the election techniques used by schools and universities. SORRY! Did I say election again? I meant SELECTION techniques. Elections? Oh, completely slipped my mind. Whatever, I vow to implement any law to further the chances of increasing my majority... Oops! There I go again, slip of the tongue. I meant the chances of THE majority of people in this country to live fulfilling and prosperous lives.
Also, I’d like to pay tribute to my predecessor Tony Blair for the sterling work he did for this country and, despite our big political differences, differences which in fact forced this party to become more electable… sorry, I mean delectable might be a better word , my friend Margaret Thatcher who won three elections as did Tony Blair and… well, elections, huh! That’s all in the past now and we’ll hear no more about it.
So, to continue the contstituency… oops, I meant consistency, of the work we’ve done I vote that we continue our endeavours to care for the key marginals, sorry, marginalised members of our society and encourage by example further environmental responsibility by using eco-friendly vehicles when we drive around the streets with loud-hailers shouting ‘Vote Labour! Vote for Brown for Prime-Minister for ever! After all he’s waited bloody long enough for that procrastinating bastard Tony to step down. I mean… what does it take…?
It was at this point a local doctor entered after being called by Mr Brown’s speech-writing advisor.
Worried cows head to leave Britain as Foot and Mouth strikes again. England: Large communities of cows are trying to leave the country after the latest outbreak of foot-and-mouth disease. "We've got to get out," said Daisy, a Friesian from Gloucestershire. "For the sake of my family, I'd rather we were all slaughtered in a place that has high sanitary standards." 'I hope my kids and myself can die a steely industrial death in a place where our flesh could be consumed with minimum health risks to the human public,' she added.
"In pursuing this course of action," she continued, "forgive the pun, but I guess as Bob Marley might say, it's a moo-vement of Jah cattle!" Eurostar have announced they will lay on extra trains for the concerned cows.
“I floated around in a majestic balloon of social and para-social consciousness” (pic: bbc.co.uk)
Westminster, London: New Home Secretary Jacqui Smith proclaims cannabis as the inspiration for her rise to power in Gordon Brown’s new Government cabinet.
“Wow!’ she said at a press conference, ‘it was just like a revelation, knowing you can get high on a spliff and improve the lives of decent, law-abiding people everywhere.”
‘I just knew I could get so high, not just high in a future Labour government, but on a different ethereal plane, like where I was sending out thought beams to people not to be criminals and terrorists and threaten the collective security and wellbeing of this country, plus implementing really cool and far-reaching law-and-order policies to that effect. The current stability of crime figures is indicative that I had a really good hit and took astute, sensible action on what my inner vibes told me.’
David Cameron, Tory leader was quick to deliver a withering response. “I was at the same festival back then,” he said, “and I swear to God she was taking some seriously bad skunk.”
COME ON, BRING ON BORIS FOR MAYOR OF LONDON! Boris Johnson to replace congestion charge with tax for people who aren't complete nutters.
London - Tory MP Boris Johnson has formally announced his candidacy for Mayor of London. In an inspirational bid to attract revenue it is believed he will be scrapping the congestion charge and promoting a 'Wacky Ways to get to Work' scheme to combat London's transport problems.
This will include unicycles, pedaloes driven by clowns, eco-friendly motorbike pyramids and other variations.
Furthermore, Boris will put a 'Dullness Tax' on people with sensible hairstyles. He will also tax people who have dour, nasal accents, similar to Ken Livingstone's.
Ken Livingsone responded by saying he would continue to make London safer - and zanier than Boris Johnson ever could.
SPORTING NEWS WIMBLEDON: ‘Let's get the covers on before it pisses down with rain' Championship enters second week.
An exciting drainage moment
London, SW19: The Court-Covering Championships are moving closer to their conclusion this week with a typically dismal Summer ensuring plenty of action.
In the intervals where it didn’t lash it down like an incontinent giant, crowds were entertained with a display by some of the world’s best practitioners of a sport known as tennis.
Betting is still on as to which set of ground staff can cover the grass courts with maximum speed and efficiency, thus winning the coveted prize that is the ‘The Golden Umbrella’ to be presented again by Sir Cliff Richard.
Though Centre Court staff are still considered the favourites, Courts 3, 14 and 20 are considered to be breathing down their neck. Dark horses are thought to be 5 and 17, though Court 5’s campaign suffered when a ballboy suffocated after being swamped by the waterproof canvas and Court 17 have been known to 'choke' when it comes to the post-downpour drainage.
Veteran tennis player John McEnroe was impressed by the standard of this year’s entries. “38 seconds to dismantle the net, get those guys off the court, kick the umpire out and put the tarpaulin on! Guess it proves that one of those sports you British are still good at is covering up tennis courts, quick time!” he said.
24/06/07
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! IN A PATHETICALLY DESPERATE BID TO WIN RATINGS WE'RE GOING TO SLAG OFF THE GOVERNMENT.
Gordon Brown to tax breathing!
London,UK – The Bugle has learned from a leaked memo from Whitehall that in his last move as Chancellor before becoming Prime-Minister, Gordon Brown has planned to tax Britain’s breathing.
In the memo it states: ‘I believe it is environmentally astute to control emissions of breath, particularly if one has halitosis or had a bad curry and a few pints last night.’
‘People should be taught to think before they breathe and consider the minimum amount of breaths they need to take to stay alive. The Arctic ice sheets depend on it.’
There is already a plan to introduce random breathalyser tests and a code of fines for over-breathing. Brown is also threatening taxes on budgies and 'inappropriate' lawnmowers, useful sources have said.
Call us! Do YOU think there should be a tax on breathing?
NO: 0000001
YES: I’m one of Brown’s Labour lackeys: 0000002
Is your child free-minded and creative? - Risk of mental disease!
Chavsville, England: Scientists have discovered that children with an overdeveloped sense of imagination and understanding about the world around them risk a higher chance of developing mental illness, thus costing health services lots of money, 'innit.
Doctors advise that, if you think your child may be over-intelligent, plonk them in front of several reality/DIY TV shows, swear at them a lot in the street, play Whitney Houston's greatest hits to them and sarcastically tell them 'you're a clever little git, ain't ya!'.
If symptoms of exploratory thinking continue, consult your local doctor immediately.
Local Councils attach cameras to rats' heads - to spy on YOUR bins!
A typical rat ready to engage in dustbin espionage
Anonymous British suburb - a leaked memo reveals that some council, probably run by some misguided hippies that your super, soaraway Rorton Bugle doesn't like, is planning to attach cameras on rats to spy on your domestic refuse!
"Are you recycling enough? Did you put the cardboard in with the egg shells? Was that you snogging your best mate's wife on that discarded photo I found next to the smoky bacon crisp bag?" Be warned - Those left-leaning rats could soon be ratting on you! Bush vows to get tough on climate change at G8 summit
"We'll bomb the holy shit out of those polluters," he says.
Bush and German Chancellor Merkel in Heiligendamm
07/06/07 Germany. US President George W. Bush finally vowed to take decisive action on climate change today by bombing countries that weren't doing their part in reducing 'greenhouse emissions.'
"Look at North Korea," he said. "They're not pulling their weight. Think of the
cancerous filth those folks are pumping into the air. A few B52s will perhaps persuade them to adopt a smarter global attitude."
"And then there's Iran. Their nuclear power program could cause major environmental problems if one of their reactors exploded and all the nice fluffy seals and the poor fish that we eat got poisoned."
Bush admits he was wrong in the past and, when his presidency finishes, intends to make green issues a personal priority on the speech circuit.
COMPUTER WORKER BILL GATES ‘GUTTED’ AFTER WINNING ONLY TEN PENCE ON ‘DEAL OR NO DEAL’.
Bill Gates holds his hands up in horror after the £75,000 goes.
London, UK - Bill Gates, a software developer from Seattle, USA returned home in a despondent mood after winning a mere 10p on the UK TV show ‘Deal or no deal’.
“This is horrible,” he said, “ the presenter Noel Edmonds said I could go away with a life-changing sum of money – as much £250,000 – that’s nearly half a million bucks!”
Gates,51, had an extraordinarly unlucky game, with many of ‘the power five’ falling quickly. Eventually he was left with the two extremes of the 250K and the 10p despite being fortunate enough to take out the penny.
He voted to swap boxes and to the horror, and sometimes tears, of those present, Noel Edmonds opened Gates’ box and revealed the miserly ten pence.
Blast from the Past: How Rorton Bugle reported the news in Days Gone Bye
This week, we look back to 1512: Vatican Police: Hoodie ‘Michelangelo Boy’ to Blame Some of the appalling graffiti on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel A shocked Pope Julius II today spoke of how devastated he was to find ‘blasphemous scrawlings’ all over the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel when he went to pray there yesterday morning. ‘There were lots of Biblical scenes,” he said, “but some of the figures didn’t have any clothes on. This is just another sign of the decline of our society. I mean, is anything sacred now? I’m totally gutted.” The act of desecration is believed to have been carried out by ‘Michelango Boy’, who may well have gained access to the chapel by an open stained glass window. This isn’t the first time ‘Michelangelo Boy’ has struck. In 1504 he disgusted the people of Florence by jokingly placing an effigy of a naked man in the middle of their city. When an ASBO was slapped on him it was believed he flaunted it and moved to Rome, where police are now looking for him. Said Det Sgt Ravioli of the Roman police, “if any shopkeepers in Rome see a hoodie trying to purchase large amounts of paint or marble and expressing an interest in the aesthetic and intellectual merits of Raphael and Masaccio, they should call the cops immediately. Blair’s resignation opens new leadership battle: Which daily paper can hate Gordon Brown the most? Sedgefield, NE England: Tony Blair’s long-awaited announcement that he will resign as UK Prime-minister in late June has resulted in a fierce and unpredictable leadership contest, begging the question: Which newspaper can heap the most bile and damnation on his likely successor Gordon Brown?
At the moment an independent poll commisioned by the Bugle shows public opinion is divided with The Daily Mail and The Daily Express practically neck and neck.
Jeanette Neilson of Canterbury says: ‘I’m going for The Daily Express because I like the exquisite and eloquent way they trash his taxation policies.’
On the other hand Susan Bigby of Bolton says: ‘The Daily Express were hypocrital Johnny-come-latelys in loathing and despising both Tony Blair and Gordon Brown. With The Daily Mail I know I’m getting the real deal. They’ve always had an inbuilt gut-bursting detestation of the Labour government.’
Though it’s looking like a two horse race, The Daily Telegraph could become a surprise contender. They’re thinking of popularising their mildly ‘stuffy’ image by hiring a journalist to sling rotten fruit at Gordon Brown during the next Labour party conference.
Whatever, this could prove to be an exciting and fascinating race for the leadership of the readership.
25/04/07 Group of students fail to get pissed on Friday night. Enquiry held. At Brunel University, Uxbridge, a group of several students are arranging a far-seeking enquiry into how they missed out on the chance of getting completely slaughtered last Friday night.
The enquiry is likely to arouse animosity especially with Gita Patel, 19, accusing Sharon Jenkins, 18, of using 'unnecessarily time-consuming measures' when looking for her contact lenses on the given night. "We could have been out of our collective tree by the time she found those," says Gita.
Supporting Gita is Ben Taylor, 20. In a press statement he said: "Not only did we have issues with Sharon, but Nigel Dawson was insistent he wanted a kebab when there were no convenient food joints handy. Hence this diminished our chances of getting completely off our communal cross."
However Angela Stevenson, 21, supports Sharon Jenkins. "There were plenty of off-licences around," she says, "and the odd back alley where we could have gone in case of an emergency, so I think it's unfortunate for Gita and Ben to assume we couldn't get smashed out of our heads on this particular Friday night." Lawyer Kevin Phillips of Doolitle and Poutch has commented on the issue. "It's a legal minefield," he says, "especially when you're talking about being deprived of getting plastered beyond oblivion."
"Reckon it's best they just all have a lock-in and get so bladdered they forgot it happened in the first place. An out-of-head settlement would be beneficial to both parties." 240 UK people have BAD accidents at work daily. Unemployed researcher advises 'Randomly Accident-prone people' not to go to work.
"Just look at the statistics and think... am I one of those 240 who is going to have a really serious accident today?” he said. “Let’s face it, it could be YOU who is falling off that stepladder, YOU who trips over and smashes your head on a desk triggering a river of blood, YOU who gets a mild rebuke from your secretary and ends up with hurt feelings and going on a life-threatening booze-binge… just like I did .”
His recently published paper, succintly titled ‘Work, Woe or Redemption’ has caused much discourse amongst the medical academia. The Rorton Bugle has since tried to contact him for further comments but Littlewood said he was too busy watching ‘Home and Away’. SHOWBIZ NEWS Prince William dumps girlfriend for more 'me' time
Prince William in pensive mood after giving Kate the boot Prince William has sensationally dumped his girlfriend Kate Middleton citing the fact that he needed more 'me' time.
"I don't know what spurred it, and don't get me wrong - I really liked her," he said to a Bugle reporter, "but maybe it was because I wanted to go out shooting grouse with my old man when she just fancied going down the pub and... you know when you get that feeling when... I dunno... it's just so over? We just didn't dig the same groove, I guess."
"I guessed as well she couldn't hang with the rest of my family. Y'know, it's always a drag when that happens. Just didn't think she could chill at Balmoral or that wearing a coronet on State occasions would be her vibe."
"Anyway, I'm just going to mong out at Windsor Castle for a while and see if I can deal with this relationship scene. Oh! And think about becoming King of England."
Footballer refuses to read the script
At the beginning of an emotional FA Cup derby match between Robcaster Rovers and Robcaster City, midfielder Roy "Robbo" Robson, 33 was expected to end his 500th appearance for Rovers by scoring the 100th goal of his tenure at the club.
"I hope he scores the winner in the last minute", said one fan. "That would be really magical."
"That wasn't in the script!" added fellow commentator John Motson later as Robson sent his studs lunging into Daniel's shin. Later Match of the Day pundit Alan Hansen was even more adamant. "I don't think Robson even bothered to read the script", he said, "he must have just looked at it a couple of times and then screwed it up and thrown it on the fire. Unbelievable!"
After the match, speaking exclusively for the Rorton Bugle, Robson defended his actions. "I read the script alright!", he said "but I found it dull and predictable, full of mawkish sentimentality and cliches. Let's face it, a footballer scoring his matchwinning 100th goal on his 500th appearance against his team's most bitter rivals - that's been done to death! "How much more corny and cheesy can you get? I thought I would challenge my fans by throwing in something unpredictable."
If Robson is banned from football permanently he says he wants to become a film director. Foetuses to get Sex Education! Foetuses are to be given sex lessons through ultrasound technology in a controversial move to reduce the UK's teenage pregnancy problem. "I think it's very important that children become aware of the facts of life as early as possible," said Dr. Ruth Eastheimer who arrived in London today from the Boston Alternative Sexology Institute, "and where better to start than in the womb itself?" Through a special coded language devised to communicate with embryonic humans, the foetuses will get answers to questions like 'who made me get here - and how?', 'am I a boy or a girl?', 'what's this thing for?' and 'Am I genetically likely to turn out gay?' Despite furious picketing from Christian groups and others including child welfare organisations outside the clinic she has set up in London, Dr. Eastheimer has defended her work in this field, despite recently being fired from the Boston Institute of Psychiatry.
Return to homepage or carry on if you want any more of this torture...
05/04/07 Tehran makes bid to become fashion capital of the world
Tehran is now taking on London, Paris and New York in a bid to earn kudos in the fashion market... and judging by the fifteen British models they paraded on the catwalk two days ago, they made it clear they were in business!
When asked if his models were being exploited and mistreated, fashion designer and President of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said "they're big enough to know what they're letting themselves into when they stray into these waters. I mean that metaphorically by the way." 29.03.07
England beat Andorra 3-0! Cheering fans call for football coach Steve McClaren to be knighted.
Jubilant fans thronged Trafalgar Square today singing 'One Steve McLaren, there's only one Steve McClaren' to the tune of 'Guantanamera' in tribute to the England manager who had steered them to such a lofty victory over the mighty Andorrans.
'It will be Brazil or Italy we can thrash next,' one fan declared, 'today Andorra, tomorrow the world!' The Queen, Prince William and PM Tony Blair also sent tributes congratulating McClaren and the team on Wednesday's magnificent performance. 22.03.07 DRUNK ON ICE A new show is being commisioned today which should revolutionise UK television entertainment. In this show hardenened and professional drinkers will teach well-known ice skaters the art of getting plastered and falling flat on their drunken arses in the middle of the rink. In the ice dancing/drinking section, marks will be awarded to couples on technical ability to down treble vodkas whilst trying to skate, making untoward advances towards one another's bottoms and then smashing embarrassingly into the advertising barriers. The BBC are about to respond and reclaim Saturday TV with their own show 'Eastenders on Ice', based on the show's history. Hopeful participants have been seen queueing outside Television Centre. A secret source today told us she heard someone saying 'your triple salchow and quadruple spins are good, but you just won't be convincing as Arthur Fowler.' Is your bathroom gay? Worrying report about bathroom self-idolisation disturbs researcher. A question, and an interesting one indeed,’ says Pierson Cloff Phd, Psycho-analyst and Sexologist. ‘Do you like the way you look in the mirror after you’ve done your hair, washed or shaved? Because the guy in the mirror admires you so much, your mirror might well be gay.’ ‘Is your bathroom decorated with flowery or pink pastel designs? Are there pictures on the walls? Your whole bathroom could be a close friend of Dorothy.’ ‘Do you look in the bathroom mirror when you’re sponging every known crevice of your naked body in the shower? If so, then your bathroom is definitely well into Village People territory.’ ‘Is your shower head purple coloured? If so, it’s probably a shirtlifter. Take due caution where you point it. This toilet obviously has issues it needs to confront. ‘If you think your bathroom might be gay, there are support groups for people to get together who feel that their baththrooms might be GAY! Cups of tea and custard creams are provided...as well as washing facilities.’ NB: This is an independent project by Prof. Cloff who was recently sacked from the US Institute of Psycho-analysis after his female colleagues complained he was very ugly and had unsightly nasal hair. Male colleagues re-iteratad this and one is currently in counselling.
'And all the dosh we get out of it yeah... will go to save some starving Indians in Africa or wherever,' she added personally.
'I mean I know like Shilpa's not like... black but she's Indian and these guys like Stevie Wonder and Bob Marley... they were from the West Indies so that must be pretty close to her culture and that.' Shilpa said: 'I look forward to going into a claustrophobic studio with Jade and enjoying the exhilirating experience of doing a cover with her which may require several takes over several long days.' Five year old children
fondly remember teacher who smelt of wee Gloucestershire - A special assembly was held at
Kiddlesley Village Primary School today to remember Miss Vera Primkins,
a teacher who recently died of a pain in the neck at 65 and was fondly
remembered by her class for being friendly, kind and having bladder
problems. To help them with their grief, the little boys and
girls of "Winnie the Pooh class" were asked to list their
most enduring memories of Miss Primkins. With the charming lack of
tact that only five year olds can muster, little John Heyton put his
hand up and said "she smelt of wee" and several other children's
heads nodded solemnly in agreement. Whilst some children remembered
the fun they'd had when she kindly let them make messy pictures with
paints or the way she always gave cakes to children who'd been especially
good, some, like Tricia Halliway remembered her for her moustache.
Perhaps the most enduring memory was provided by cherub-faced Robert
Galway who recalled the time Miss Primkins "blew off" during
a recitation of the five times table. "She was always making
us laugh like that. That's what we liked about her" he mused
sadly. School headmistress Mrs Jean Sloman explained "it
really does help the children come to terms with what's happened to
remember Miss Primkins in such fond and intimate terms." Residents demand to know: "why
don't they build a housing estate on our pointless green space?" Trimley, Surrey - Residents in a small idyllic village
near Kingston, Surrey are up in arms about the lack of a proposal
to build affordable housing on a green field round the back of their
houses. "Council Estates are being built everywhere
else. Why can't we have one?" said Harry Slurbey, chairman of
the Trimley Residents Association. "Besides, that field is dangerous.
Our children are always playing there and the other day one of them
got scratched by stinging nettles." "The roads and the doctor's surgery could easily
cope" added Janet Tory, a local commuter and car boot sale organiser
"and there's plenty of room for parking in our street."
"We're bored with being a white middle class community"
she went on, "we need a few coloured people, single parent families
and students to liven things up." "I for one am fed up with the tweet, tweet,
tweet of all the birds over there. Not that I'm mad on drum n' bass,
but it would make a welcome alternative" said Anton Hawkins,
the local antiques dealer. A meeting of the residents association tabled a motion
to demand the council build something on the land. However Councillor
Graham Judd (Labour) of the planning committee told us that nothing
could be built there due to the land's protected status. "I'm
sorry to say to the villagers of Trimley but we can't build there
because it's green belt" he said. "I’m just
not cut out to be a dominatrix"admits Somerset mistress "All my slaves keep laughing
at me." Yeovil, Somerset - Julie Eversley, 31, a single mother
who hoped to make a full time living catering to the needs of submissive
men admitted yesterday that she didn't have what it takes to be a
dominatrix bitch queen. Julie, who practised under the name "Queen Bitch"
but soon become known to her clients as "Madame Not Really Very
Strict" used to charge up to £100 a time to tie them up and beat
them with a dressing gown cord. "I couldn't bear to use a whip
or a crop" she said, "I mean I didn't want to cause those
poor guys any real harm." Another service she offered was to
force men to grovel at her leisure shoes or force them to be like
a cat, a service she dropped when one of them scratched her on the
arm and hurt her. Another session was cancelled when a man told her
she wasn't tall and buxom enough to dominate him and she got upset
and started crying. Word soon spread around the Somerset BDSM community
that Julie was probably the worst dominatrix who had ever practised.
On one Internet message board that catered to submissives, a previous
client wrote "you have to go to visit this woman just for the
laughs. How can she possibly take herself seriously?" The final straw came when one submissive broke free
from his velcro bondage during a "paperclip torture" session.
He grabbed Julie and flung her on the "Sofa of Hell" whereupon
several of his laughing mates burst into the dungeon and started spraying
the hapless mistress with lager. "I shall probably go back to my old job as a
librarian now" said a disconsolate Julie, "My dream of being
the most feared bitch in Somerset didn't come true but I hope I relieved
some of these guy's tensions in some way by giving them all a good
chuckle." Doctors diagnose
man with "Inability-to -talk-Bullshit Syndrome" New York - Josef Zykowski, a man who'd baffled doctors
for several years with his failure to get on in life was finally diagnosed
last week with the rare condition of torcocritis, commonly known as
IBS - Inability-to-talk-Bullshit-Syndrome. Symptoms of IBS include the failure to blag your
way through job interviews, lack of expertise when playing primitive
mind games with the opposite sex, morally grounded self-consciousness
and a debilitating over-honesty about one's true feelings. Doctors
say it is not so much life threatening as "getting on in life"
threatening. Cures to IBS are varied and often controversial.
Some doctors advocate the use of drugs such as alcohol and carefully
controlled morphine to treat such a problem whereas others recommend
a therapeutic approach such as classes in "not giving a shit"
and "learning how to talk out of your arse and getting away with
it" Unfortunately such classes are only available at a few specialist
centres. Said Mr Zykowski: "I am so relieved my problem
has been diagnosed. I live in faith and hope that these wonderful
doctors will find a cure for me so that I can bullshit and cheat my
way through life like everybody else." "Shit happens" he says Cambridge - one of the biggest mysteries of the universe
- why is it that there's always one sock that goes missing in the wash? -
was today solved after lengthy research by genius physicist Professor
Stephen W. Hawking. Hawking: "I have often wondered about the mysteries of the
universe, like why does some bastard always get to the cash machine a
millisecond before I do? Now I know the answer. Shit happens." Professor Hawking admitted that he'd originally been
barking up the wrong tree. "To put it in layman's terms", he says, "I had
thought that the centrifugal force generated by a washing machine drum
caused significant gravitational pull for an individual sock to be sucked
into a kind of "mini black hole" where it would enter a parallel universe
and meet it's equivalent in anti-particles (to wit, an "anti-sock") which
would cause it to explode in a release of energy equivalent to a million
atom bombs which explains the strange knocking sound sometimes heard from
washing machines." "Then I thought, fuck this for a game of soldiers. It
probably got dropped before it went in the machine. Jammed behind the
cooker or something" Steve Crispey, an Ariston call-out technician partially
backs Hawking's new theory. In a paper entitled "Grimsby area call-out doc
182" he expounds thus: "- Sock jammed in drum mechanism. Removing it was a real
hassle." Hawking, considered the greatest scientist since Albert
"Why does the bread always land buttered side down?" Einstein is now
attempting to unify his "Shit happens" theory with that of mathematician
Roger Penrose's influential paper which came to the conclusion: "Life's a
bitch and then you marry one." Hawking hopes that if the two theories can
be reconciled then, in his words, "we may come closer to knowing the sense
of humour of God." Today's news 17.06.01 Mariah Carey has her ego
insured for a billion dollars "She cannot risk having it dented" claims
agent. Pop singer Mariah Carey has insured her ego for a billion
dollars as she works on the new film "Glitter". The Hollywood star is
believed to fear that it could be shattered by anyone telling her the
truth about her "huge talent". Said Mariah's agent, Tim Ferman, "There are a lot of
hazards on a film set. A lot of these people might not realise who Mariah
is and not treat her with the bootlicking reverence she expects." "For instance, what if she complains about the colour of
the towels in her dressing room and the staff laugh in her face and tell
her her music is so vacuous it could be used to to hoover the lounge? That
could cause irreparable damage to her bloated sense of self
importance." "Or if someone tells her that the only emotion imparted
by her narcissistic caterwauling is that of a dying hyena, I mean, her
whole sense of conceitedness would be completely shattered. Mariah's ego
is delicate and we need to protect it at any cost. If anyone says anything
nasty about her she should be compensated" It is believed that many Hollywood stars with overblown
superiority complexes will be following suit. It was first suggested that
stars take out insurance on their egoes after Michael Jackson's messianic
delusions were shattered by Britpop star Jarvis Cocker waving his bum
onstage during Jackson's performance of "The Earth song" at the 1996 Brit
Awards. Jackson's ego was not insured at the time. Murderer freed
on grounds of irony "He was making a kitsch, postmodern
statement by strangling woman to death" says judge. London - a man convicted of murder who walked free from
the Old Bailey yesterday is believed to be the first murderer to be freed
on the grounds of irony. Paul Hare, 32 of Dagenham Essex had maintained
that he wanted to juxtapose a kind of 50's pseudo film noir brutality with
the genteel setting of a suburban street when he murdered mother of two
Cathy Wyreman, 35 in Bromley last year. "People who call me a brutal killer just don't get it",
he said. "They never look beyond the obvious. All they see is that this
woman is dead and they don't see the statement about how art and reality
are collapsing into a state of total semblance. I wasn't literally trying
to kill her, though admittedly that happened. My thoughts go out to her
family, but they can console themselves with the fact that she went out
making an artistic statement." Two accomplices, art students Omi Nwongu and Sally
Faraday, who donned bowler hats, skipped in circles and sang "I'd like to
teach the world to sing" as he performed the murder were also freed on
ironic grounds. Though all were found guilty, the judge overturned the
jury's verdict, congratulating them on making a "retro-kitsch, postmodern
statement". "I wish more murders were like this", he added. The case follows the release of a man charged with an
armed bank robbery on the grounds that he was articulating post-millennial
existential angst in a witty and unconventional setting. Osama bin Laden receives
stern warning from Walthamstow doorman "If he works his ticket with me I'll lamp
him good and proper, no messing about" Walthamstow, East London: Steve "Psycho" McBrain, a
bouncer at the local "Bucks Fizz" nightclub today joined the international
coalition against terrorism. In an encouraging message to President George
W. Bush he said: "I'll sort that c*** bin Laden out for you. When you find
him, let me finish him off. I mean, look at him, mouthing off on the telly
from his poncey little cave. He's asking for a fat lip, he is!" McBrain: "One punch and I'll put bin Laden's lights out"
He went on "bin Laden should come and see me if he
fancies his chances in a fight. Face to face. None of his getting his
mates to do it. Let him try and crash a plane on my 'ouse. I'll teach him.
He says the fire is going to burn under our feet here in Britain. Well,
I've got a wife and two little daughters and if they ever come home with
blisters on their plates I'll be straight round his cave with a heavy iron
crowbar." So far, Western leaders have been cautious about
accepting McBrain's help in the anti-terrorist alliance. "His enthusiasm
is commendable" said Prime Minister Tony Blair, "though I don't know if we
can use his expertise at this precise moment." And a word of warning was added by Colonel Greg Sanderson
of the local Army base. "Private McBrain was very enthusiastic in his time
here" he said, "but we did have to throw him out after he headbutted the
sergeant major." Todays news 23.9.2001 Search continues for girl's
lost virginity Police now combing a large
area of forest Concern is growing in a small
religious community in Gloucestershire over a sweet, innocent 18 year old
girl's missing virginity. Volunteers from the local church have now joined
the search, painstakingly searching through undergrowth in the Forest of
Dean, looking for clues as to the girl's virginity's whereabouts.
It is believed that the girl's
virginity went missing last Saturday night when she attended the Randy
Stud nightclub in the town of Cinderford. After having several pints of
Strongbow she was seen leaving hand in hand with the man pictured below.
It was believed she was driven to a remote spot in the forest, where
earwitnesses making out in a nearby car said they heard giggles and
exclamations of "ooh, you're more salami than Pepperami aren't you?" She
later woke up in a friend's house and realised her virginity was
gone. Police believe the suspect, pictured below, either
disappeared into the woods or got together with a group of musicians and
is jamming in venues across the country. They want anyone who has seen him
to contact them immediately. This is a photofit of the man police want to question about
the girl's missing virginity. One eyewitness recently spotted him playing
bass with a famous rock group, though she couldn't name the group. Yesterday the girl, who cannot be named, made a
desperate, tearful plea. Speaking from a nunnery run by her aunt, she said
she felt "incomplete" without her virginity and would the man who took it
from her please, please give it back. Today's News 07.01.01 "Smack Your Boss Day" to be
introduced into workplace "It increases morale and productivity" say
experts First it was dress-down Friday, then it was "duvet days",
now, in a further relaxation of office culture, "Smack your boss Monday"
could soon become prevalent in offices across the UK. Where once an
employee would expect instant dismissal for physical violence, a
concession will soon be made on specific days so that office workers can
let their managers know what they really think of them. According to US psychologist Dr Ruth Eastheimer of the
Pennsylvania Institute, this sort of practice hasn't come a moment too
soon. "Punching the boss releases tension and increases morale and in the
long run that increases productivity. It also helps managers to realise
that their employees are only human and that can only be a good thing in
the bonding process of the workplace." she said. In the US "Smack your boss Monday" is already practised
by many companies, in particular Bowden Stationery Supplies of Simsbury,
Connecticut. Speaking from his bed in the casualty ward of the local
hospital, manager Chuck Bowden explained his enthusiasm for the
phenomenon: "As well as releasing worker's tension, it's a vital
source of feedback for managers about how their employees are feeling. By
letting my staff swear at me and punch me in the face I can gauge their
emotions better. They can let me know just how they're feeling far better
than in meetings where they may be too inhibited." Though "Smack your boss Monday" could soon be prevalent
in Britain, we're still behind the times in terms of creating a relaxed
office environment. Dr Ruth Eastheimer predicts that soon US companies
will be introducing "Mass Office Orgy Wednesdays" as a way of helping
staff to "engender a better team spirit". Todays news 2.9.2001
Fury over Eurocrat's "Hairy
female armpit" directive! "British women's armpits are not woolly
enough" says EU spokesman Jean-Claude Pompidoux British women may be forced to grow hair under their
arms if an insane new EU directive comes into force. According to a leaked
document from Brussels, British women's shaved armpits do not conform to
the standard European hairy female armpit (EU - HH71797) and that they
should be standardised under European Law. Depilatory products may be
banned and EU health inspectors may be brought in to enforce the new
law. "It's a disgrace! First they attack our sausages and
brandy butter and pilfer our armed forces, now they're telling our women
what to do with their armpits" stormed Sir Anthony Giles Hodges, Shadow
Foreign Minister. " My wife might not mind but I certainly do. I don't
want her looking like a gorilla! Mark my words, this is the beginning of a
fascist superstate!" EU officer Gerhard Wienerschnitzel defended the leaked
ruling. "It will help British women realise they are a part of Europe", he
said, "a kind of, 'ow you say, armpit harmonisation. Border controls will
be much easier because they will be able to tell a British woman from an
American or Australian woman by her armpits and in France people will know
if they only need to be slightly haughty (to an American woman) or
downright rude (to a British woman) just by inspecting her
armpits." The leak follows another revelation last week,
declaring that under European Law, British children should be forced to
wear identical brightly coloured rucksacks and that British men should be
outed as gay unless they pinch the bottoms of at least three women per
year.
09-06-01 Martians still refusing to
believe that George W. Bush is leader of the world "The joke's over. Now take us to your real
leader" says Commander Squmbli Washington DC 2pm yesterday - Leader of the friendly
Martian visiting fleet Squwib Squmbli today continued to publicly
disbelieve that George W Bush was the most important leader on planet
Earth. Speaking outside his flying saucer which landed on Monday he said
"This joke's gone far enough. I repeat - we come in peace and want to
co-operate with you so don't be afraid to take us to your real leader. I
must admit it was funny at first, this guy who looks like a constipated
teddy bear coming to meet me at the Whitehouse, but if you don't tell us
who your real leader is, we have ways of finding out for
ourselves." "Do you take us for idiots?" he went on "How do you
expect us to believe that a planet that gave the solar system the thoughts
of Aristotle, the music of Mozart and the writings of Shakespeare would
have a buffoon like that as it's leader? It's just not logical. I mean he
thinks that pollution and impurities in air and water are different
things. He'd rather bugger up your whole planet to please a few people in
one country for a short time. He doesn't even know half the planet. You've
had your little laugh so just do us a favour and stop pretending, will
you?" Squmbli then went on to speculate who the real leader
might be. "That Bill Gates guy is pretty clever isn't he? If he was the
leader of Earth you might catch up with us in a hundred years. Or what
about that Saddam. He's really clever you know. Cleverer than you think if
our reports are anything to go by. Or perhaps it's some guy none of you
know about so it's not your fault for not telling us." Mr Bush is said to be adamant and defensive about his
leadership of Earth. "I'm the leader of the Americans" he insisted, " and
my Dad told me that makes me the leader of all the other States outside,
whatever they are." 20-05-01 Blair and Hague in battle for the "stupid
vote" Bottom IQ percentile of electorate will sway poll
result say experts. Labour and the Conservatives are locked in a battle to
win stupid voters on June 9th say experts. "Never mind the grey vote, the
floating voters or the young vote, it's the dimmest voters in any
constituency that could well sway the result." says Neville Godling, a
political analyst for Mori. "Whereas intelligent voters will draw their own
independent conclusions and make their own minds up, stupid voters will be
swayed by the kissing of a baby, vacuous rhetoric about a bright future
for Britain and nice teeth." In constituencies up and down the country politicians are
banging on the doors of the biggest simpletons in the country, hoping to
gain that elusive swing. Many of them have been inspired by the triumph of
George W Bush in America. "Hey if that bloke can get elected president,
anything's possible." said Cecil St-Thomas Masterton canvassing with a
scantily clad, large breasted woman by his side in Hayes,
Middlesex. 13-05-01 Eurovision Song Contest Hooligans shame
Britain "Fans" of UK entry "No Dream impossible" by Lindsay D attack a Danish
music fan. English music hooligans went on the rampage in Copenhagen
yesterday, just hours before the start of the Eurovision song
Contest. Trouble started when a group of Norwegians supporting
their country's entry "On My Own" by Haldor Laegreid went for a quiet
drink in a bar where UK supporters were already gathering. The English
fans immediately started taunting them with chants of "What's it like to
get nul points?" Matters escalated when a group of drunken Irish
supporters then started taunting the English with the chant "You're always
coming second" to which the English fans replied by throwing chairs and
bottles. By the time riot police arrived in strength, matters were out of
hand with Copenhagen youths and Germans adding to the fighting. Home Secretary Jack Straw and Culture Secretary Chris
Smith condemned the rioting. Said Chris Smith, "This minority of so-called
music fans has once again spoiled the enjoyment of a great cultural event.
Yet again, when we should be talking about the unspeakable kitschiness,
Terry Wogan's snide remarks, the bad hairdos and the politically motivated
judging, we end up talking about the violence. I suppose these fans will
only be satisfied if we get barred from this wonderful celebration of
European unity." Amidst fears of violence in the hall itself many called
for Lindsay D's song not to be performed. Lindsay was said to be saddened
to hear of the violence but stayed focussed on her performance. "Those
hooligans aren't going to stop me. I've got a job to do for Britain." she
said. Terry Wogan was also believed to be "disappointed" by the
rioting. 07-05-01 Kent man celebrates 20 years of
unemployment! Long term dole claimant receives gold watch from Benefit
Office Arthur Haskins (left) receives his award from Job Centre Manager Gordon
Middlesley Sittingbourne, Kent - Arthur Haskins, who has been
unemployed for 20 years today received recognition for his long term
failure to find paid work when the manager of his local benefit office
presented him with a gold watch. "He has come here every fortnight without fail for the
past 20 years" beamed Gordon Middlesley, the Job Centre Manager. "He's
always been a good laugh and we always feared that he might find a job and
leave us, but luckily that wasn't so." Champagne was cracked open by many of the benefit clerks
and balloons with the number 20 on them festooned the desks. Arthur, who became unemployed when the local glue making
factory closed in 1981, said "I'm overwhelmed. It's such an achievement. I
thought I'd never make it. Now I think there's a chance I might stay
unemployed till retirement age. I wonder what they'll give me
then!" Meanwhile in Durham, an unemployed man received a
jeroboam of champagne for making the 100,000th new claim at a local
unemployment benefit office. Tragedy of plane crashing in nice area of
Hounslow An aircraft heading for Heathrow
crashed on a nice tree lined avenue in Hounslow yesterday afternoon. 200
passengers and 50 respectable middle class people are thought to be
dead. Residents commended the pilot on his
brave but vain attempts to direct the plane towards the local sink estate
where immigrants, drug users and one parent unemployed families
live. "My prayers go out to all those who
died, and particularly the pilot" said Mrs Rosie Neyberwatch, 49 of
Nethercote Avenue where the plane's tail landed. "It was so brave and
considerate of him, moments in the face of his death to try and put the
wretched poor out of their misery and reduce our council taxes by
10%." "Those poor passengers" added Mrs
Privet of nearby Swadlincote Drive, "the helpless feeling of plummeting
towards the ground and knowing that you were going to crash on a pleasant
tree-lined upper middle income street must be a horrible way to
die." Meanwhile in Sidthorpe near Rochdale,
Lancashire, residents have condemned the pilot of a light aircraft who
crashed on their allotments. "I know he was seconds from death"
said Jed Entwhistle, 65, "but you would have thought he would have taken
the trouble to avoid my greenhouse as one last selfless gesture in his
life." George Sodfirth, 52, concurred. "Bang
go my cabbages for another season, thanks to Mr Kamikaze. Alright, I'll
grant him he narrowly avoided the hospital and the school for disabled
children, but what do these pilots go to training school for? I hope he
took his shame to the grave with him."
