But I’ve made a terrible faux pas.

I went to a dentist

Whose pissed-up apprentice

Removed my front teeth with a crowbar.

Whenever film star Jonny Depp’s ill,

Too frightened to climb the doc’s steps, he’ll

Take baths in champagne

Then ring for a plane

That’s loaded with Wind-Eze and Strepsils.

A general Penthouse directive

Decreed it would be incorrect if

That lewd publication

Did not give the nation’s

Men gigantic, grand, fat, erect stiffs.

A canoeist, his trouser-banana

Craving girls on the Cococabana,

From Port of Spain sailed a

Boat via Venezuela.

It sank. Now he’s fucked! - by piranhas.

Gordon Brown asked his Chancellor, ‘what’s wrong?’

‘Darling, I’ve known your kind face for so long...

But your mop seems to lack

That which keeps your brows black.

What hue are the hairs round your man dong?’

A suave Valentino from Peckham

Liked to date famous women - and neck 'em.

It was ever so nice

Till he courted Posh Spice

And was nutted by David Beckham.

A Ford Capri driven by Kevin

Went out of control, engines revving.

It crashed through the wall

Of the Royal Albert Hall

And narrowly missed Andre Previn.

A shy young chap from Brighton

Would never have sex with the light on.

It ended in woe

When his girlfriend Flo

Just fancied a sausage to bite on.

An atheist named John lit a joss-stick

He'd mended that morning with Bostik.

The smoke filled his head

With visions unsaid,

So now he's just an agnostic.

I tend to go rather berserker

When listening to Chopin's mazurkas.

I dance wildly out

To a Nepalese mount

And have to be rescued by gurkhas.

Some music has just got it in for me.

I can't tell my brass from my timpani.

I like Shostakovich

But I never know vich

is ballet and vich is a symphony.

A millionaire popstar from Tonga

Just wanted to live ten years longer.

He had a large tube

Stuck up somewhere rude

And parted with most of his wonga.

'Twas scarcely an act of intelligence

For several drunken beer bellied gents

To tease Farmer Giles

'Bout the state of his piles

Now their faces are bruised with green welly dents.

A man from an island Pacific

Liked to steer clear of foods calorific.

Instead he'd eat beans

Mixed with watery greens -

The consequent smell was horrific.

An unfortunate chap from Harrow

Was buggered one day with a marrow.

He leapt to the skies

With tears in his eyes

And landed three miles north of Jarrow.

A filthy old pervert from Hove

Had sex on a lighted gas stove

His penis caught fire,

Now his voice is much higher

And his balls are a dark shade of mauve.

“Young Harry, do not be so gutless,

Be swift and be brash with your cutlass!”

Said Captain Jim Taylor

To the gangly sailor.

‘Twas bad advice. Harry’s now nutless.

An Eighties teenager called Ella

Went cruising cool clubs for a fella.

She went out and bang!

‘Twas a gig by the Jam...

She ended up shagging Paul Weller!

A basketball player named Andy

Said vertical thrills made him randy.

He pulled birds each night

But due to his height

Got far more blow jobs than hand shandies.

Based on a real-life, miserable computing tutor

Our tutor is hardly zealous,

He's nothing inspiring to tell us.

He moans and he mulls,

In fact he's so dull

That even the ditchwater's jealous.

Based on previous PM's son, Euan Blair, arrested for being drunk under-age

If you see a young lad worse for wear

And vomiting in Leicester Square

Don't laugh at his shame,

Wouldn't you do the same

If your Dad was Tony Blair?

Ancient Greek limerick

A flatulent athlete from Sparta

Was famed as the world's loudest farter.

Each marathon run,

Before they had guns

They used his backside as a starter.

Big Brother

Oh, no! I just needed a wee.

Thank God for that wood full of trees.

My short term relief

Was soon poached by grief,

Those damned trees had CCTV!